Black Sheep

I was sick for eight days, followed by a Thursday spent completely on studying (I was at Uni till 1.30am). Then came Easter weekend, spent doing a bunch of chores around the house, taking care of co-op work and actually having some quality time with the boyfriend, instead of falling asleep on his couch due to previously mentioned cold-and-fever-from-Hell.
It’s been so nice to see him, and let go of some stuff for a day or two and not constantly worry about school and work or feeling tired. Seriously, I still sometimes find it mind-boggling that I am in a relationship. It feels like I am constantly running from one point to another, and nothing in my life seems very stable these days. And in the midst of that I have him, and he just makes things calmer and better. I have no idea how it happened but I am rolling with the goodness of it.
Anyway, as the man left this afternoon and I got back to folding my laundry and eating anything remotely sugar-induced in the fridge (I baked this weekend…), I started a mental checklist for things that needed to be taken care of this week. Lo and behold, I managed to do some cleaning, e-mailing, paper-sorting, planning and then spiraled back into stress and miserable bitterness regarding my thesis. How a subject you find so interesting can turn out to be so off-putting seems to be the curse of thesis writing.

In the end, I just spent the past two hours curled up on the couch, catching up on ‘The Lizzie Bennet Diaries‘ and having tea or ice-cream or both. I really couldn’t deal with it tonight. I need some sleep and something less complicated on my mind at the moment. And then tomorrow, I can plunge right back into my regular daily routines again. Yippi-ka-yay…

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Close Watch

We’re eleven weeks into the year. That’s a fifth of the year gone already and I can hear Marvin Gaye’s voice singing What’s Goin’ On in the back of my head. Seriously, what is going on? I don’t work out. I don’t eat well (at the moment I’m just happy I eat!) and I’m all on edge.

There’s so much that needs to be done this semester at Uni and I know, I just know if I get through this I’ll look back and be all “Wow, I got a lot of shit done in 2013, suck it 2012!” but I am so far from that point right now it’s not even worth getting into.

I feel like ever since I got back from Iran I haven’t gotten into good eating regimen. In the three weeks I was there, I went from drinking soup for days due to pulling teeth, to eating meals three-four times a day due to visiting my father’s side of the family (and you can’t say no to my grandma when it comes to food!). After the first week I was done to 63,5kg, that’s a first since like Easter in 2010. By the time I got back home to Sweden I was hovering around 64.5, and quite pleased.
I feel much heavier now. Also, tired and tender. Like my entire body has been pushed against and crammed and just needs to stretch out and relax, but it can’t. My muscles feel sore from lack of exercise, it’s crazy!
And I eat when bored. The past weeks I am to stressed to eat well on regular meal times and end up being fidgety and bored or distant-minded while studying, hence leading to snacking, which in turn leads to uneven blood-sugar levels and a bad stomach. I need to keep myself in check and get myself back on the right track. This week I am kind of detoxing and working on getting more proteins and less carbs into my system and daily regimen.
Hopefully, my plan on staying put and studying like there’s no tomorrow will lead to less eating outdoors with friends, which is o-so-fun but expensive and usually in my case, not the healthiest of choices.

Whatever could go wrong, right?

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Unrelated fun fact: Despite this only being the third post of the year (which is bad), this happens to be the 100th post on the blog (which is great!)!
I actually didn’t think I’d have the interest to stick around for that long, but I like the fact that I was wrong.

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Saltkin

Year’s almost over and my Facebook feed is full of people’s best wishes, hopes or new years resolutions.
I don’t really believe in resolutions, as I don’t have the will to keep with something just because I happened to decide it on New Years Eve. But if I do stick to anything next year, I would like it to be my improved training-regime, and when it comes to hopes I am rooting for a new job.

It’s kind of sad, as blog updates tell me that I’ve been wanting the same for two years. It somehow feels like nothing is changing, though I so clearly know that many things in my life are different now. I am different, and I am doing OK, dealing with the pressure and the exhaustion. So why the dissatisfied feeling? Perhaps, like most people, I just wish I was happier.
But, despite the ups and downs, I have been managing to almost finish a Masters degree in that same time, get a couple of part-time jobs, go to new places and meet new people who I enjoy having in my life. And I know I’ve been horribly stresses since the fall of 2011, but as I’ve said, despite being disillusioned and pissed-off the past months, I am mostly just thankful this year is finally over, that I got through it in one piece, that I have so many great people in my life, and that I didn’t fail miserably in my goals despite perhaps not achieving as much as I wanted. And did I say I’m glad this year is over?
This past month has in itself been so busy I feel like I’ve kind of forgotten the goods and bad of the rest of the year (and probably wouldn’t have ever remembered that I wished for the same kind of things all of two years ago had I not stupidly checked the blogs backlog). I’m leaving for a trip on January 5th, and need to finish exams and hand-ins, co-op business and run errands like a headless chicken before that, so I feel quite dazed. I’m trying to get things done while staying at my parents house in Stockholm, and it goes quite well except for me not feeling too good altogether. But with three assignments and two exams, I know I don’t stand a chance. Even with being cooped up in the room and reading most of the time. I’ve hardly left the house, so I’ve seen nothing of Stockholm’s Christmas decorations in town etc. Feels a bit odd. I do however feel relieved that a friend of mine is taking care of my flat while I’m gone in January at least. One less thing to worry about!

So I don’t have any specific resolutions for next year. Just want get through this one and try to get some vacation at the beginning of the next. If anything, next year I’ll just try my best to get a job, to finish the paint-work and small jobs in my apartment, and to keep working out and eating well. Two out of three is also awesome.

On the food and weight manner, which is the base of this blog though you can’t always tell from my rants, I am eating better. I’ve baked quite a lot this winter, but haven’t been eating that much of it most of the time (except when I made those saffron-chili-almond paste buns, they were dangerous). I’ve realized too much carbs gives me a stomach ache, that I actually like cottage cheese now, that I still don’t like mashed potatoes and that I need to improve my cooking skills on the whole.
I stopped recording my weight and food intake on Noom as of June, when I proudly hit my lowest weight since two years back, and then felt guilty of not staying with the program. I am still recording the work-out sessions though. I think this year the scale most commonly told me I weighed 65,5kg or the more dreaded 66,6 (so as per usual I have yo-yoed a bit). But in August 2011 I weighed 71kg, and today I weighed 64, so I would say I’ve done OK.

With that recorded, I am gonna get back to my assignments, write as much as I can and celebrate tonight by taking two hours or so off, drink some mulled wine and watch an Audrey Hepburn-movie. I apparently know how to party (and choose not to do so).

Here’s hoping 2013 cuts me some slack.

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Across the Universe

Apple crumble pie for breakfast today. I regret nothing.

That is all.

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Gangnam Style

Having Turkish delight and then dropping some of the powdered sugar down the front of your coat inevitably makes you look like you just did cocaine before leaving the house.

Moral: don’t snack when in a hurry, bad for your health and for your looks.
Also: avoid one bad habit that leaves marks similar to those resulting from much worse habits…

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Fix You

I had a bad day yesterday. I just don’t know what got into me, but I got nothing done. Not the cleaning I’ve been postponing, nor the studying that gets me worried. I felt heavy and tired and stressed out. And all day long there was this unrelenting greyness outside my window, the rain incessantly pouring and all motivation and energy in me just draining away.
I made some hot chocolate and watched The Avengers, still nothing. Momentary distractions. I listened to music I like, made plans for next week, but I just couldn’t get myself to care. After a long shower where I for some reason felt so sad I almost started crying I completely gave up on the idea of accomplishing what I had set out to do.
Very sweet boyfriend came over and watched Firefly and ate chocolate dessert with me, and then spent the night.

Woke up feeling tired but much better today. Managed to get myself to yoga, and the 90 minute class before breakfast really kicked my ass. I’ve barely worked out this summer despite what I had hoped, but I really wanna get back to the pace I was setting in May/June. Especially the swimming, which I will find all the more unattractive the colder it gets, and significantly so if I lack routines. (I’m always talking about routines it seems, though it’s obvious to anyone with a brain that I have none of those.)
I have, since I got back from yoga, watched a movie (Bridesmaids), divided all of tomorrows laundry (decided to do the pillows and blankets and such as well), thoroughly vacuumed the couch which I felt needed a good cleaning and started studying a bit. Not the effectiveness I had hoped for (yet) but I might get there. Somehow, this weekend just feels very exhausting. I feel scatterbrained and sad, and just wish I could sleep it all of without caring about it but I can’t. I need to get things done, and there never seems to be enough time.
I’m not feeling up to par right now. So very tired already and it’s only September and semester just began. Autumn is seeping into my bones.

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(Unrelated to most above, I think I have only heard the word “quim” be used twice in my life. For those who do not know it, it’s a version of the word cunt, mainly used by Brits. It’s said both in The Avengers, as in one episode of Firefly. So I come to the conclusion that it’s a Joss Whedon kind of curse word. I find it a very interesting one, as it is used so seldom, and by a man who’s scripts usually hold little profanity, to the point where he sometimes makes up new curses, such as “gorram”. Then again I like words, particularly new words (to me).

(What’s up with all the brackets today?)

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No Diggity

My friend Sara came by on Friday and stayed the night.
It was all catching up, talking about life, work, future plans, old and new friends, the whole rooster of topics laid out on the table.
At a certain moment we were discussing relationships, the way they are, how others view them and how it feels to be in one. She gives me this look and says:

“You seem happy. I like seeing you like this, you seem … human”.

Seem. What can I say. Be still my robot-heart.

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Bangers, Beans and Mash

Through the lobbying efforts of a good friend, I’ve landed a job in Stockholm for some of the summer weeks. So I go back and forth, and spend some days at a time at my parents as well, much like when I did the publisher-internship last fall. Except now I get paid. It’s not as fun as being as publishing, and doesn’t suit me as well either, but it’s a good stable job and pay, people are really nice and the work itself is OK. It just seems a tad ironic that someone with such a natural state of mess when it comes to personal finances, is working as an assistant in a finance department of a company, haha!

Anywho, working as everyone knows, provides you with certain things, like money and references and experience, while depriving you of other things: like time and energy or parts of your soul (depending on your line of work). I’m mostly lacking in time, but also some in the energy department. I haven’t been to the gym in weeks.
Also, staying at my parents has resulted in a lot of snacking. My parents are good cooks and like food, so there’s always all these things in the fridge that I avoid buying cause I lack discipline. So all in all, working is good for everything except my weight. But today I tried on a dress I bought for my 25th birthday (a black 20’s inspired number that was a bit tight then and I haven’t fit in it since) and it looked great now. So I’m making progress and that feels fantastic =)

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Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

The wedding is on Saturday.
As far as I can tell, I haven’t lost any weight at all in the past two weeks. Of course, I have 6 days left, and I am sure that if I did some juice-regime, or just ate boiled chicken for three days and stuck to the strictest form of the Ducan diet, I’d drop a couple of kilos. But I don’t like extreme (or insane…) measures. If I haven’t lost weight until my friend’s wedding, it’s because I haven’t been to the gym in two weeks, and I won’t compensate that by putting my body under some unnecessary duress for the sake of a handful of photographs.

I have a dress, and I wore it at the spring formal last year when I weighed an additional 2 kilos, so I don’t need to worry about fitting into it. Though I would have preferred looking better while in it, I still think I look pretty cute, and the green really suites me.
More troublesome is the fact that my dress is too long, I don’t have any suitable shoes and I’ve yet to write a speech. All on this weeks to-do list.

It’s raining outside, and I’ve decided to stay a couple of hours at C’s and read some scripts for work while he plays his new computer game. I still need to find a real job, yesterday, but I did manage to land some freelancing opportunities for my former place of internship, and I really liked the work I did there and the people I worked with.
I have slight headache due to the weather, and if I hadn’t had things to do I would just have stayed in bed most of today. Maybe I can convince C to make me some lunch…

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Debaser

I spent the weekend, Friday-Sunday, working for Science Fiction Bokhandeln (a genre-oriented bookshop in Stockholm/Gothenburg/Malmö) at the last UppCon, which up until now was Scandinavia’s biggest convention for anime and manga. As a work-perk, I got to spend 48hours checked into a local hotel. Not that there was really any point to having stuff lodged in a place with the same distance to work as my flat, but still, why say no? I like trying out new things, and staying at a hotel in your hometown definitely fits the bill.

I got to spend time with friends and colleagues, and Heavens the breakfast buffet!
It was amazing. Eggs with sausages and bacon, sandwiches, fruit-plates, all manners of juices and coffee-drinks, hot cocoa, sweet breads and cookies, jams… I think I ate my weight in food two days in a row and it was deliciously lovely.

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