No One Like You

I’ve been gone for a long, long time. The reasons have been many: lack of time, lack of energy. Mostly just embarrassment. I’ve felt bad about how little I’ve taken care of myself the past year. Trying to get my life on track academically and career-wise, I’ve lost track of myself. I stopped going to the gym a year ago to save money, but didn’t take up any physical activity that I could do on my own: walking, jogging, yoga at home…
I started eating loads of carbs again instead of proteins, the results being my stomach acting up do to all the gluten in bread and my iron-deficiency rearing its ugly head.

And so, in the year that’s past, I have gone from being proud of working out regularly and taking care of my body and hitting a 63kg on the scale, to not giving a damn, being tired, and gaining ten kilo. I feel horrible. Not because I don’t feel attractive (though I don’t), and not just because of what the scale tells me. And not just because my old clothes don’t fit me, though to be honest, it does have something to do with it (I like my old clothes and I can’t afford a whole new wardrobe).
I feel bad because I gave up on me. I feel bad because I’m tired, my body is tired from lugging around excess weight, my back hurts from always working in front of a computer and very seldom stretching out properly. I feel bad because I failed myself, and no one like to be a failure. And of course I know why. And I know what to do about it. It’s just the trouble of getting started, of setting a new goal and actively going for it.
But really, there’s no time like now, no day like today. So despite me not believing in New Years Resolutions (that shit never holds up), I might as well kick myself off the couch and start 2014 with a little bit more backbone and get to it.

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Nothing Like You and I

It took me a whole of five months to get a new battery for my scale at home. I think I was pulled between knowing the result would be bad and therefore avoiding it, and knowing I wouldn’t deal with it unless I actually saw the truth with my own eyes (you know, aside from feeling an increase in back aches or the fact that my pant don’t fit me no more. That proof isn’t obvious enough…).

Anyway, I got the battery yesterday. Today, the scale showed, black digital letters on pale grey background, that since January, I’ve indeed gained 3-4 kilograms. As if I didn’t know. But the thing is, despite everything pointing at it, you don’t know until you can’t look away.
Now a lot of people would say that gaining 3,5kg over 5 months is nothing. And yet, it’s not that simple. I already was a couple of kg too heavy, and not in the way of ‘oh my god it’s almost beach season and I’m only eating salads from now on’-heavy. More in the ‘those few extra pounds are already increasing my backache and when I go for long walks my knees hurt a bit cause my body is out of shape and week and seriously can’t handle the extra load without making me feel like shit’-heavy.

So summers here and I am not getting in shape for beach-season (I live in Sweden, it just might be too cold for the beach all summer anyway). But its.. me-season I guess. I cancelled my gym card, started eating food that disagrees with me again and obviously just let go. And now I wake up in the mornings and everything hurts worse than ever. My left knee’s been clicking when I walk stairs for 10 days now,and though it doesn’t hurt that stiffness can’t be good.

So yeah, we’re starting over, again. Let’s whip it into shape.

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Close Watch

We’re eleven weeks into the year. That’s a fifth of the year gone already and I can hear Marvin Gaye’s voice singing What’s Goin’ On in the back of my head. Seriously, what is going on? I don’t work out. I don’t eat well (at the moment I’m just happy I eat!) and I’m all on edge.

There’s so much that needs to be done this semester at Uni and I know, I just know if I get through this I’ll look back and be all “Wow, I got a lot of shit done in 2013, suck it 2012!” but I am so far from that point right now it’s not even worth getting into.

I feel like ever since I got back from Iran I haven’t gotten into good eating regimen. In the three weeks I was there, I went from drinking soup for days due to pulling teeth, to eating meals three-four times a day due to visiting my father’s side of the family (and you can’t say no to my grandma when it comes to food!). After the first week I was done to 63,5kg, that’s a first since like Easter in 2010. By the time I got back home to Sweden I was hovering around 64.5, and quite pleased.
I feel much heavier now. Also, tired and tender. Like my entire body has been pushed against and crammed and just needs to stretch out and relax, but it can’t. My muscles feel sore from lack of exercise, it’s crazy!
And I eat when bored. The past weeks I am to stressed to eat well on regular meal times and end up being fidgety and bored or distant-minded while studying, hence leading to snacking, which in turn leads to uneven blood-sugar levels and a bad stomach. I need to keep myself in check and get myself back on the right track. This week I am kind of detoxing and working on getting more proteins and less carbs into my system and daily regimen.
Hopefully, my plan on staying put and studying like there’s no tomorrow will lead to less eating outdoors with friends, which is o-so-fun but expensive and usually in my case, not the healthiest of choices.

Whatever could go wrong, right?

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Unrelated fun fact: Despite this only being the third post of the year (which is bad), this happens to be the 100th post on the blog (which is great!)!
I actually didn’t think I’d have the interest to stick around for that long, but I like the fact that I was wrong.

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Saltkin

Year’s almost over and my Facebook feed is full of people’s best wishes, hopes or new years resolutions.
I don’t really believe in resolutions, as I don’t have the will to keep with something just because I happened to decide it on New Years Eve. But if I do stick to anything next year, I would like it to be my improved training-regime, and when it comes to hopes I am rooting for a new job.

It’s kind of sad, as blog updates tell me that I’ve been wanting the same for two years. It somehow feels like nothing is changing, though I so clearly know that many things in my life are different now. I am different, and I am doing OK, dealing with the pressure and the exhaustion. So why the dissatisfied feeling? Perhaps, like most people, I just wish I was happier.
But, despite the ups and downs, I have been managing to almost finish a Masters degree in that same time, get a couple of part-time jobs, go to new places and meet new people who I enjoy having in my life. And I know I’ve been horribly stresses since the fall of 2011, but as I’ve said, despite being disillusioned and pissed-off the past months, I am mostly just thankful this year is finally over, that I got through it in one piece, that I have so many great people in my life, and that I didn’t fail miserably in my goals despite perhaps not achieving as much as I wanted. And did I say I’m glad this year is over?
This past month has in itself been so busy I feel like I’ve kind of forgotten the goods and bad of the rest of the year (and probably wouldn’t have ever remembered that I wished for the same kind of things all of two years ago had I not stupidly checked the blogs backlog). I’m leaving for a trip on January 5th, and need to finish exams and hand-ins, co-op business and run errands like a headless chicken before that, so I feel quite dazed. I’m trying to get things done while staying at my parents house in Stockholm, and it goes quite well except for me not feeling too good altogether. But with three assignments and two exams, I know I don’t stand a chance. Even with being cooped up in the room and reading most of the time. I’ve hardly left the house, so I’ve seen nothing of Stockholm’s Christmas decorations in town etc. Feels a bit odd. I do however feel relieved that a friend of mine is taking care of my flat while I’m gone in January at least. One less thing to worry about!

So I don’t have any specific resolutions for next year. Just want get through this one and try to get some vacation at the beginning of the next. If anything, next year I’ll just try my best to get a job, to finish the paint-work and small jobs in my apartment, and to keep working out and eating well. Two out of three is also awesome.

On the food and weight manner, which is the base of this blog though you can’t always tell from my rants, I am eating better. I’ve baked quite a lot this winter, but haven’t been eating that much of it most of the time (except when I made those saffron-chili-almond paste buns, they were dangerous). I’ve realized too much carbs gives me a stomach ache, that I actually like cottage cheese now, that I still don’t like mashed potatoes and that I need to improve my cooking skills on the whole.
I stopped recording my weight and food intake on Noom as of June, when I proudly hit my lowest weight since two years back, and then felt guilty of not staying with the program. I am still recording the work-out sessions though. I think this year the scale most commonly told me I weighed 65,5kg or the more dreaded 66,6 (so as per usual I have yo-yoed a bit). But in August 2011 I weighed 71kg, and today I weighed 64, so I would say I’ve done OK.

With that recorded, I am gonna get back to my assignments, write as much as I can and celebrate tonight by taking two hours or so off, drink some mulled wine and watch an Audrey Hepburn-movie. I apparently know how to party (and choose not to do so).

Here’s hoping 2013 cuts me some slack.

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Dance Sucka

Merry Christmas and Ho Ho Ho(e) =)

I am ending the year on an OK note when it comes to weight and exercise. I’ve lost weight, but not as much as I hoped, and haven’t been to the gym that much, yet clearly more than last year. So I’m OK.
I also am leaving for a trip at the beginning of next year, and have decided to work out a bit every day from tomorrow and until the 5th, as I am also doing some serious studying, paper and assignment writing at the same time. Helps with the focus.
Also, it keeps my ass in check before I leave, so I don’t spend the holidays eating my weight in Christmas-food, and continue that with going for a three week trip where my relatives most likely will keep feeding me food in abundance. Gaining a lot will be quite unwise, not only in the most obvious way: it’s unhealthy and not attractive on me – but also in the less obvious and important way: it’ll also make fitting into the dress for my friends wedding in February more difficult.

I’m spending Christmas at my parents house, and it’s started out lovely, with great food, gifts, movies and games. I slept so much last night it was ridiculous, it’s like my system is already set to vacation. But I’m gonna try to keep my head in the game and finish as much work as I can, and then hope that flying to another continent will give me enough distance from my every day working life to actually be relaxing.

This morning the scale showed 65,3kg. Not to shabby.

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Titanium

As mentioned in prior posts, things are quite stressful and busy right now. So blogging falls behind, as does working out, eating regularly and sleeping. Last week I managed the Herculean feat of going to one yoga session and one swim session. Mostly my frustration with my living situation has been fueling my energy, but as of late that has been burning out rapidly.
I am tired, fed up, and closing in on my breaking point. A couple of years ago, I would probably keep going without seeing the signs, but I am older and more experienced when it comes to meltdowns now, and know when I am balancing a very thin edge.

Last Friday was my friends bachelorette-party, and it was a success. Also really what I needed, and I had decided to take the weekend off, take some time to rest, maybe work out and read Jo Walton’s Among others, that I have chosen to write my exam on for a course in Gender perspective in literary analysis. I ended up being stressed, tired and unmotivated. I did manage to spend some well-needed hours with some girlfriends and watch some movies. But all the while carrying an under-current of anxieties.

I have lost my appetite. Since Friday morning I have eaten tree courses of food (2 eggs at two breakfast occasions and a salmon & cream cheese focaccia for early dinner today) and three OK substitutes (a smoothie for breakfast one day, a cup of instant ramen for lunch another and three slices of pizza for dinner during the bachlorette-party). Since there was a party and since I had an Advent get-together due Sunday, I also baked and have been eating quite a lot of cake and snacks. But even with that counted in, I am not eating enough and I really couldn’t care less.

I am so busy getting ends to meet, exams done and papers written on time that I feel like I am constantly working against a tide of emotional paralysis. And still things do get done, even though it is taxing.
Yesterday my stress-induced gum chewing went on for hours until I got lock-jaw, and it hasn’t really loosened up yet. Today, I’ve been nauseated for the past 10 hours. If I was a gambling kind of person, I would bet on tomorrow bringing tears.

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Comes and Goes

So my finances are shot to Hell, I just quit my gym membership on account of having no time and no money, and the batteries of my scales ran out last week. I feel I am not currently in a position that helps or encourages working with my food intake or loosing weight.

I will be visiting my relatives abroad this winter and have two weddings to go to as well. I do NOT want to be nor feel like I am fat. I don’t want to gain weight. Yet right now, all I really want is some chocolate.
I am deeply worried about the outcome of this, cause I already feel like I am failing.

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Cough Syrup

I’m back home, in my own apartment, job-less yet again.
The last part sounds worse than it is. I got a summer job through a friend that was supposed to last three weeks, and I ended up staying six. But I’m set for cash the upcoming two months at least, which feels great.
But of course, after that I’m back where I began financially (or where I always am), so as of next week I’m back to writing my thesis, which has been put off for months, and looking for new employment.
I have ’til the beginning of November before I need to be really worried again, so hopefully some non-religious miracle will occur in time for my 27th birthday (yes, I am that old).

In the meantime, having a one week break where I just do less things (and this still entails writing reviews for my part-time gig, taking care of business for our housing cooperative, having a serious cleaning-dusting-sorting session, as well as fun things like catching up with my boyfriend, watching films, meeting friends and going to the gym – though I am still ambivalent about how fun I think that last one is). And I do so love being back at my place. I really really care for this flat, and the neighbourhood, and my life here.

It’s gonna be a good week. I need the rest as well as the exercise. Haven’t been to the gym in two months and to my surprise I miss it. So I went swimming first thing in the morning and though my body felt a bit too tired and out of shape compared to the last time, I still managed around half an hour of laps and it felt good.
It’s also interesting that though the last month I haven’t recorded any meals on neither paper nor on my Noom-app, what I really notice is how often I used Noom to record training sessions. From February I had at least a walking session or a gym session recorded every two days. From April to mid-June it was something almost every day. Lately it’s been nothing. It’s a bit of a letdown.

And thinking about exercise and weight, two weeks ago marked my one year anniversary of moving out of the corridor. At the time, I weighed 71.2 kg I believe. That was the height of it. At most, I usually had 69,5kg as a default weight and just kind of hovered over or under it with a kilo and a half at times.
Now, my default weight (the one the scale more often comes back to) seems to be 65,5kg or the devilish 66,6kg when I’ve been sloppy with what/how I eat.
I can feel the change though. My back hurts less, I’m less tired, my limbs feel less stiff and heavy. It’s not that I’ve ever been that big, though it should be mentioned that 71kg for someone who’s 160cm isn’t that healthy, and on me personally not that attractive either, but I am still too soft. My overweight, as always, comes from excess fat, not muscle, and this softness is just gonna be unwanted padding I drag around with me for no reason at all, so I have to keep working on it.
This summer I got down to under 65 though that didn’t last long. Yet, I feel very, very positive. Perhaps the times they are a-changing. Bit by bit, at least.

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Bangers, Beans and Mash

Through the lobbying efforts of a good friend, I’ve landed a job in Stockholm for some of the summer weeks. So I go back and forth, and spend some days at a time at my parents as well, much like when I did the publisher-internship last fall. Except now I get paid. It’s not as fun as being as publishing, and doesn’t suit me as well either, but it’s a good stable job and pay, people are really nice and the work itself is OK. It just seems a tad ironic that someone with such a natural state of mess when it comes to personal finances, is working as an assistant in a finance department of a company, haha!

Anywho, working as everyone knows, provides you with certain things, like money and references and experience, while depriving you of other things: like time and energy or parts of your soul (depending on your line of work). I’m mostly lacking in time, but also some in the energy department. I haven’t been to the gym in weeks.
Also, staying at my parents has resulted in a lot of snacking. My parents are good cooks and like food, so there’s always all these things in the fridge that I avoid buying cause I lack discipline. So all in all, working is good for everything except my weight. But today I tried on a dress I bought for my 25th birthday (a black 20’s inspired number that was a bit tight then and I haven’t fit in it since) and it looked great now. So I’m making progress and that feels fantastic =)

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A Kiss To Build A Dream On

One of my close friends is getting married today!
I’m one of the two toastmasters, and all my nerve-ends feel frayed, so I am hoping the bride is more collected =)
The weather is horrid, the location lovely, the bride and groom so excited and hopefully everything will go according to plan (que Corpse Bride voice over, haha.)

I’m really looking forward to it, yet should get started on getting ready rather than writing.

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On another note, I weighed 64,7kg this morning. Least I’ve weighed in two years, woop woop!

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