Comes and Goes

So my finances are shot to Hell, I just quit my gym membership on account of having no time and no money, and the batteries of my scales ran out last week. I feel I am not currently in a position that helps or encourages working with my food intake or loosing weight.

I will be visiting my relatives abroad this winter and have two weddings to go to as well. I do NOT want to be nor feel like I am fat. I don’t want to gain weight. Yet right now, all I really want is some chocolate.
I am deeply worried about the outcome of this, cause I already feel like I am failing.

Read Full Post »

Fix You

I had a bad day yesterday. I just don’t know what got into me, but I got nothing done. Not the cleaning I’ve been postponing, nor the studying that gets me worried. I felt heavy and tired and stressed out. And all day long there was this unrelenting greyness outside my window, the rain incessantly pouring and all motivation and energy in me just draining away.
I made some hot chocolate and watched The Avengers, still nothing. Momentary distractions. I listened to music I like, made plans for next week, but I just couldn’t get myself to care. After a long shower where I for some reason felt so sad I almost started crying I completely gave up on the idea of accomplishing what I had set out to do.
Very sweet boyfriend came over and watched Firefly and ate chocolate dessert with me, and then spent the night.

Woke up feeling tired but much better today. Managed to get myself to yoga, and the 90 minute class before breakfast really kicked my ass. I’ve barely worked out this summer despite what I had hoped, but I really wanna get back to the pace I was setting in May/June. Especially the swimming, which I will find all the more unattractive the colder it gets, and significantly so if I lack routines. (I’m always talking about routines it seems, though it’s obvious to anyone with a brain that I have none of those.)
I have, since I got back from yoga, watched a movie (Bridesmaids), divided all of tomorrows laundry (decided to do the pillows and blankets and such as well), thoroughly vacuumed the couch which I felt needed a good cleaning and started studying a bit. Not the effectiveness I had hoped for (yet) but I might get there. Somehow, this weekend just feels very exhausting. I feel scatterbrained and sad, and just wish I could sleep it all of without caring about it but I can’t. I need to get things done, and there never seems to be enough time.
I’m not feeling up to par right now. So very tired already and it’s only September and semester just began. Autumn is seeping into my bones.

---

(Unrelated to most above, I think I have only heard the word “quim” be used twice in my life. For those who do not know it, it’s a version of the word cunt, mainly used by Brits. It’s said both in The Avengers, as in one episode of Firefly. So I come to the conclusion that it’s a Joss Whedon kind of curse word. I find it a very interesting one, as it is used so seldom, and by a man who’s scripts usually hold little profanity, to the point where he sometimes makes up new curses, such as “gorram”. Then again I like words, particularly new words (to me).

(What’s up with all the brackets today?)

Read Full Post »

Chemo Limo

I haven’t written in a while, mostly because I haven’t done anything worth noting that would be of interest on this blog. I barely work out, don’t stick to my diet, and I’ve been very busy with school/work/life.

But today I finally updated Noom on the facts I’ve been dreading to record, and I have gained 2,5kg in 3,5 months, instead of the other way around. So now that spring is coming (…kind of. It snowed yesterday, like the worst April Fool’s joke, or a giant F U from the Swedish weather gods), I feel better and more energetic. Gonna try to get back on that horse, get my ass in gear, you know, all that jazz =)

Had my brother visiting last week, and we went for some walks. Also, went back to yoga yesterday. My balance is off, and I’m not really feeling it since the instructor is so slow in movements and talks all the time, but at least I’m there. There’s been no swimming whatsoever, cause I got a tattoo done on through two different sessions, and had to wait for it to heal up nice and well. So first visit back to the pool will be tomorrow or Wednesday, if nothing unforseen decides to happen.

I am not going home to the parent’s for Easter (already went for Persian New Year and had my fill of Holiday sweets and cuisine) and most of my friends are out-of-town. Deliberately decided to be antisocial so I can get my studying done, and perhaps avoid the un-godly amount of “let’s mourn the death of the son of God by stuffing our faces”-chocolate that circulates as per tradition. It’s a good thing I’m not religious, I would be praying in Easter egg candy all day long…

Read Full Post »

Roses

One of my “motivational” refrigerator magnets. The kitchen should be all about staying happy.

Read Full Post »

Brandenburg

When I started PtCD, it was to have a place where I could put down my thoughts and efforts on eating healthier, while at the same time balancing it with my fondness for baking. The result though, is mostly my weight complaints, completely irrelevant things about other aspects of my life, and a lack of pictures.
So a week ago, when I met some friends, I decided on having a chocolate-themed evening at my place, and actually get down to baking. The result was as follows:

White chocolate cake with creme fraîche frosting and blackberries. Swedish gooey chocolate cake (kladdkaka) with chili flakes. Chocolate cupcakes with milk-chocolate filling, topped with white chocolate buttercream. Chocolate cupcakes frosted with chocolate mint buttercream

As a complement to the cakes there was whipped cream, chocolate sauce, cointreau-glazed cherry tomatoes (yes, tomatoes, it was a dare from a friend to see if I could incorporate it into the baking), and hot chocolate spiked with Amarula to drink. In other words, it was a massive artery-clogging concept for one night, and everyone ended up in sugar-comas, dozing off all over my livingroom. Success!
(I’ve been trying to give som of it away, and put some of the stuff in the freezer so I don’t induce a heart-attack. But I’ve been doped up on sugar for two days now, and can’t tell if it’s that which is making me slightly nauseated, or the fact that I am getting tattooed in an hour and the excitement and nervousness is just wretched.)

Read Full Post »

Help I’m Alive

I baked cake for the corridor last night. Chocolate cake with dark chocolate frosting, served with raspberry cream. Did the same for my brother’s birthday last week, and that one turned out a bit better. For one, the cake, which is supposed to be kinda sticky, was at least a bit firmer then. I think I used a bit too much butter this time, resulting in the cake tasting great but looking like mud. Not the most appetizing feature…
Also, after whipping the cream, I added the raspberries, but since I was in a bit of a hurry I didn’t have the time to defrost them too well. The raspberry cream therefore took on a slight ice-cream-like quality. Still good, but not what I was going for initially.

On another, non-cake related note, I’m flying off to Madrid tomorrow!
Looking forward to long walks in the sun, sangria outdoors and nights of dancing.
The exhilarating feeling I get right before travelling is humming through me like electricity, and I can’t hold still, can’t think straight, can’t stop smiling. I feel so alive it hurts.

Read Full Post »